Aaaaand then
by Wisperwind
Summary: SATIRE. Dumbledore evil, Voldemort good, Harry not a Potter... What? Seen this before? This is for everyone who's tired of all the Super-Harry, Cuddle-Voldie und Evil-Dumbels bullsh*t. Warnings for: Intentionally bad writing, no plot, mentions of mpreg, Weasley and Dumbledore bashing. Do Not Take This Seriously! Originally posted in 2010.


The school year has ended and Harry was standing at the train station alone and was sad because everyone hates him and his friends are only his friends because he was famous but now they didn't want to be his friends anymore and because Sirius does was dead.

Then he got into his uncle's car, who looked at him evily and gave him soo many chores as soon as they arrived. And then uncle Veron burned all of Harry's school stuff in the basement. And then he shot Hedwig and burned her too. And then Harry was even more sadder. And then Harry had to do all the chores because he was a freak but he didn't finish and uncle Venon beat him.

And then Harry is rescued by Snape and Voldemart because he's not Lilly's and James' child but the son of Snape and Voldemoort. And that's why he's the heir of Slytherin and Gryffindor because they are Voldemort's parents and not dead. And that's why he's also the heir of Satan and Lucifer because they are Snapes ancestors. And that's why he's a Elfen-Werwolf-Vampire-Darkelf-Veela-Demon-Fairy-Mix and has (at least) twelve different kinds of magic and twenty-eight super powers and wings all of which he will never use in this story because why would he?

And then he finds out that Dubledore is evil and wants to kill the old man, manipulative cot, leader of the order of fried chicken. (How does he find out and what has Dumbledore done you ask? Doesn't matter. This fandom has never needed a reason to hate the guy.) And then Sirius turns up again who was a spy for Waldemor all this time and not dead. And then Harry is happy.

And then it's Harry's birthday and he screams: "Gryffindor-Slytherin-Riddle-Satanus-Lucifer-Snape-Blood Make up!" And there are pretty colorful lights and he turns into Demian Regulur Beosarion Salazar Godric Percival Jan Maximilian Gryffindor Slytherin Riddle Satanus Lucifer Snape. And then he had super long hair and was taller and paler and more pointy-eared and dark haired and stronger than ever a living being before him.

And then they went shopping and Demian Regulur Beosarion Salazar Godric Percival Jan Gryffindor Slytherin Riddle Satanus Lucifer Snape (Harry) went to Gingotts and suddenly had more gold in his vault then there reasonably should be in the entire world let alone the wizarding one. And he bought so many expensive clothes and a magical murder snake and a magical murder kitten who only listen to him because they felt like it at the time. And then Demian Regulur Beosarion Salazar Godric Percival Jan Maximilian Gryffindor Slytherin Riddle Satanus Lucifer Snape's (Harry's) pets wanted to kill everyone but he told them not to. And then they went to get a new wand made of 7 different woods with 21 different cores that had been made by the wand makes great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather and was the most powerful wand in all of creation ever but will also never be used in this story because why would it?

And then he went to Hogwards as a new transfer student (never mind that Hogwarts has never had a transfer, ever) and got sorted into Slytherin where he met Draco who was a Veela and Harry's mate and they bonded. And then they had lemon. And then the whole gang marched up to Dumbledore and they drowned him in the pink-black stripped yaoi of love because even though Harry has more power in his little finger than the sun generates in a year this author feels the need to be edgy and use the power of love against the guy who has preached it the entire series. And then they preformed the traditional celebration dance of Demian Regulur Beosarion Salazar Godric Percival Jan Gryffindor Slytherin Riddle Satanus Lucifer Snake's people even though he was the first and only of his kind. And then Harry and Drago flew off into the sunset on the winged black unicorn of Happiness and Bliss. And if the they hadn't died of mpreg complications they'd still be living happily ever after for they were suddenly immortal and ruled the wizarding world until the day the sun exploded.

The (horrible) End

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(Author's Notes) So, this was fun. I originally wrote this way back in 2010 and decided to translate it to English for shits'n'giggles as well as for practice. (if anyone want's to read the original in German you can find it here: animexx . onlinewelten / fanfiction / autor / 488718 / 254460 / )

In case this wasn't obvious, this is satire and not ment to be taken seriously. Any grammar, spelling or other mistakes you see are probably intended that way. I know fandom has gotten better in some ways during the last seven years but in others it really hasn't. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. Leave a comment on the way out if you feel like it.


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